A Dozen Good Eggs

Friday, April 2, 2010

Lonely

its lonely here. I really havent seen anyone socially since uhhhh I cant even remember. must have been last summer. No one calls. no one writes. no one stops in. I could disconnect my phone altogether it rings so infrequently, and when it does its usually st johns wanting us to donate. Maybe its because we adopted. Maybe its because my husband sees many of the townspeople in clinic. Maybe its because I am not a Christian. Maybe its because Im a jerk(but I doubt it!) Maybe its because people dont like my kids. I just dont know.

No one was supportive of our adoption. I guess they probably arent supportive of us adopting again. but it still isnt their life or choice. anyways life here is very boring. and dull. and lonely. its me the kids and the dogs most of the day. then for a few hours at night its me the kids the dogs and Eric. I dont feel like I have any close friends. My kids have no close friends. Eric has no close friends. how have we lived here nigh on 5 years and still I actually KNOW only a handful of people and see even less?

My family is far away. Eric's family is far away. People who we were close to when we left duluth never once visited us since we left there. Family comes approx once a month or every other month, some family less frequently and some not at all. so I have no one, NO ONE to count on here. Last night I was in such pain and I knew I would have to endure because I was not going to the E/R with 4 kids in tow since there is no one to watch them if the big kids are gone. we missed Kinder roundup because sibs werent allowed and we have no one. I dont even have an emergency contact on the kids school forms other than myself and Eric. When I was a kid there were lots of people whose names could have gone there. for my kids there is none.

I cant even count the times someone flaked out on me. the one really and truly good friend that I could count on and KNEW she would be there moved and I dont think I have had another friend like her since. I miss her. She rarely calls anymore. she lives far away and has her own troubles. She couldnt stand the oppression here either. we had each other while she was here. two lost souls. I really miss that kind of friendship.

all this to say, its lonely here. and its a rainy day. and dark and depressing. and I have no one to share it with. I dont know how long I can live here. I dont care how much money we lose, I just dont think I can stay here alone. the kids at school are mean about sophie and bens disabilities. I can only imagine what they would say about the girls if they knew about them.

10 comments:

  1. How far away are you from me? I'm in northwest Iowa (Sioux Center).

    ReplyDelete
  2. im in central MN. quite a ways from sioux center.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So our visit didnt count.

    You're a great family and yes you do have lots of friends...just not the type to visit very often

    ReplyDelete
  4. bob your visit counts, but when its the only one of its kind for months and months and months it gets lonely!

    ReplyDelete
  5. We are 4 hours from Minneapolis. Are you close to there?

    ReplyDelete
  6. 2 hours from minneapolis Kath

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well, you could move to WI & then you could be my emergency contact & I could be yours! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. michelle where are you in WI?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, Tammy, I'm so sorry you feel this way. It is often depressing and lonely to be the spouse of a doctor, in a small town, with young kids. I remember those days very well. If I hadn't worked part-time during those years, in a job that gave me lots of contact with other moms, I don't know if I would have survived. It's especially hard if you have too many small children to easily take places (I had 4 under school age, so I can relate). I remember one Christmas Eve when I was home alone with the 4 girls, feeling unbearably lonely and blue, and in desperation I called a friend to see if she and her young daughter wanted to come over for awhile. There was this uncomfortable silence and then she said, "Um...it's Christmas Eve!" Ugh...I felt so alone!

    So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, you've got good reason to feel alone, lonely, and depressed...what you're feeling is normal, under the circumstances. I still feel isolated and lonely much of the time, but now that the kids are older I can get away and do my own thing more. I can think about myself a bit! Still, I get so damn tired of having to turn down "couple" things because Tom's on call. It's just not normal for married women to be alone this much! Yuck!!

    I admire you so much. I just about lost my mind with 4 children, and you are giving your heart and world to twice that many! And doing it alone a good share of the time! Stay strong, and best wishes.

    Susan

    ReplyDelete
  10. you made me cry Susan. someone "gets it"

    ReplyDelete