should I stay or should I go now? If I stay there will be trouble! If I go it will be double!

we are not having an easy time finding a new home or property to build on. We have seen just about everything we can find. we have lowered our expectations from large acreage to 40 then lowered to 20. now to 10 and to 5. as yet we have found nothing that would work for us. Everything is overpriced. it is a down market who can afford a 400K house? we really cant because we still have this house to pay on. and since this one needs work which costs money and isnt likely to fly off the market given the area. We cant find land that isnt swamp. or its 30 miles away. we cant find a house that isnt gonna be a money suck (or its 30 miles away) we are feeling very burdoned right now. we wanted to move and have an easier lifestyle. and yet we are starting to think we will have little more than we have here, although probably less when you consider the energy status of any house we might buy. we flip flop with the idea of even staying put. that isnt ideal either. so as of now we are caught between a rock and hard place. no easy decisions. time to build is running short. soon it will be summer and we will be hard pressed to get a house built in time for school in the fall. but again its so expensive we arent sure we can even afford it, given that the cost of land(swamp) will drive up the overall cost of the build. we NEED to garden and raise chickens just in order to feed this crew. it isnt a want, a desire but a real need. we have the dogs who need space to run a bit and not bother neighbors with their barking. we need a place that has room for kids to play and ride bikes. and we just cant find a place like that. and did I mention with a child who doesnt walk we really NEED a mainfloor bedroom and bath. Miss Priss is not getting any lighter and we dont want to have to carry her to the bathroom and to bed. staying here includes a less than challenging curriculum, bullying kids, kids who start other kids hair on fire and still get to ride the bus, kids who ask little kids about their private parts, life alone, rounding every single freaking day, driving hours to get anything or see dentist. so if we stay it would still suck, if we go it seems like it will suck because we are NOT finding the perfect place.

trip to philly and home again

ben's poor feet

Ben's feet are not doing well. Darn AMC is winning! and with the sores on his feet that makes it easier for the AMC to win. Doctor in Philly on Friday. quite possible he comes home in plaster. again.

Lookout world! here comes SOPHIE!

she climbed the stairs (all 13 of them) by herself twice this weekend. it was incredible. she is so motivated! it was hard hard work and really rather awkward but she insisted and she DID IT!

AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!

Tearing my hair out! going crazy! running screaming in the streets! this whole move thing is making me crazy! Andre thinks we will leave him behind when we move so he pushes me away and says I wanna go back to Ukraine every time he hears something he doesnt like. Ben sobbed his heart out because he didnt know if he would come along when we move, and probably somewhat because he will have to leave his special aide. Chrysta keeps asking what color she can paint her room and will she have to share a room and I dont even HAVE a room to tell her about. The girls and the boys are concerned with their toys and the pets coming along. and Mama is concerned with FINDING A PLACE TO LIVE! Eric and I have made about 6 trips to town to look. all came up empty. nothing new is coming on the market much. There is not a lot that is what we want where we want for a price we want. There just isnt. I guess I ought to put my parents on notice that we will be putting our tent up in their backyard! What I like Eric doesnt. or we both like it but its too much $$ and too far away. Building sounds like a rather expensive venture. the whole thing is maddening.
Sophie and I are going to go take a walk in the sunshine. maybe I will feel better after that. or maybe it will take Chrysta's yummy chocolate eauclaire cake to make me feel better. or the perfect house at the perfect price in the perfect location

end of the peace

Ethan and Jaeger had been getting along really well. playing all the time. Ethan had been personable and kind even. but we are back to snotty snarky mean and nasty Ethan and he just punched Jaeger in the face because he was following him around outside. It isnt because he isnt getting enough sleep because he went to bed at 8 last night and was asleep by 9 sleeping right through to 6. Ben hasnt been crying the last couple days so he has plenty of sleep. and of course dad is working on call tonight so I am it. I am the target. and boy can he spew some nastiness. probably having a growth spurt and time to adjust his meds but of course cant go too high or causes depression and its the ONLY one that worked thus far. who knows what goes through his head.

next week off to philly where Ben will most likely return in plaster. again.

no news on the house front.

do without?

I look around at all the stuff we have accumulated and as we consider living in a new home it occurs to me that we have TOO MUCH STUFF! that perhaps we could live in less space if we had less stuff? but what do you choose to let go of? the piano? no way! the couch? (sure no problem but we gotta sit somewhere....) the dining table? the bookshelves and all the books? we LOVE books! It pains me to get rid of them! beds? clothes? dressers? no we cant really do that. its the random useless junk that we have to get rid of. it tends to multiply when it isnt looked after and it tends to lend itself to chaos when everything has a "potential" use. It really needs to have a specific use. I really cleaned out my kitchen cabinets and saved only the things I use a lot. I cook for many people so out went the small mixing bowls and other things for cooking for only a few. I think that there is probably a lot of junk that could go but for the life of me I cant seem to get rid of it, or find it, or "get started" most days. This must be how hoarders start!!