busy busy!

I have barely had a chance to sit down since returning from Philly. Its been run run run. appointments, more appointments, things that need doing, still trying to catch up on laundry, cooking, dishes are never caught up it seems. today will be no different. Sophie has pt and ot this afternoon. I am really over this fixater thing. oh shoot thats one more thing I gotta do is get her xray to her doc in Philly. Eric is going hunting this weekend, mother in law may or may not come to the house for a sleepover.  I invited her. she was thinking about it but I never heard one way or another for sure. so if she shows up great, if not, I guess she isnt coming lol.  Greenhouse is up over the pool and hot tub. Glad that job is done. whew! There are a few more details but the big part of the job, the hardest part of the job is done. Well I guess I better get another load of laundry in and send that xray and get ready to pick up Sophie for therapy. I guess the tomatoes arent going to get done this morning.

it has come to my attention

That everyone is in agreement that all of my oldest kids problems are my fault because we adopted"those other kids. ". I'm hurt and disappointed. Chrysta has gone to live at her dads. She is apparently embarrassed by her siblings. Wow. Never saw that coming but parents do not need permission from children to make life decisions. Although we DID ask their input about adopting. If I had given birth to them I wonder if everyone would feel the same.  My adopted kids have problems. We all have problems. Noone has a perfect life. One of chrysta's problem is refusing to be a participatory member of our family. I don't think that happened because we have other kids.  she was never an easy child. Maybe as infant. Started lieing at 4 and never stopped.  I'm sad and hurt that she chose to leave to live with her on again off again dad but I hope she finds happiness in her solitude. And I hope her dad who has never been a full time parent knows what a wild ride he is in for. I fully believe she will lie to him.  she will rage when she doesn't get her way.  I only hope she doesn't become pregnant.  I don't believe her issues come from a large family. Its genetic. And I really truly hope they are happy living together.

If I knew then....

what I know now, would I have lived my life differently?  Would I have chosen not to have so many kids? Would I have chosen not to adopt the kids with the most needs?Would we have chosen not to put Sophie through these surgeries and hard recoveries and difficult time apart from the family?  

I can't say. I think perhaps if I had only a few kids life would be a lot more simple. THat would mean that I would miss out on the joy that my Ukainians bring me. Yes they act like kids. yes they fuss and fight and require loads of work and attention. But they do bring me joy. I cant imagine life without them. Even removing one from the family would change the dynamics completely. I dont think I could imagine a time without them all. 

Would I have chosen not to adopt kids with special needs if I had known how labor intensive they are? Could I wake every day and not know the smiles of my Sophie? Could I live without my Ben's squishy cheeks?  Could I imagine life without my Ethan and Andre?  Those moments when Ethan says I love you Mama, could I live a life without that?  Could I live a life centered around me and my wants and needs?  I don't think I could. 

Since Sophie's surgeries and recoveries and therapies are ongoing its harder to answer this. I can only hope for the best for her. But to imagine a life without watching her make great strides is very difficult to do. She is a go getter. She likes to go after what she wants.  I see her working so hard in therapy and crying and fearful just to get through the hour of effort is so difficult. I question our decisions to put her through it. But I see other kids who have been where she is and are so much better off and I see hope. Thats all anyone can have. No one can say for sure what will happen. will she walk? will it be even more difficult to live a normal life after we changed her? no one knows. but we hope. its what drives us. its what gets us through. we laugh. we cry. we hope.

Since I cant change the past I dont know what my life would have been like if I had made different decisions. Since I cant see the future I dont know what it holds.  I can only cling to today and get through it the best I can and hope for the best.

not really happy today. rant ahead, feel free to move along

dyed my hair. I dont think I like it. still stuck far from home. the management here is crazy. the food is not always great and sometimes doesnt show at all.  I dont sleep. I sent post cards and letters home and not one of my family sent any back. really feeling the love. NOT. many things I cant say here but stuff is on my mind. I wish I could take a nap. but that aint happening. Sophie is entertaining the local girl scout troop.  therapy dog friends come tomorrow. monday doctor again. thinking about if I should switch my flight. but its more $$ to switch and I need to have time to send home some stuff. Accumulated too much here and cant fit it all in bags to take it home. maybe I should just rent a car and start driving and hope I end up where I am supposed to be. but I probably wont.

Defining Moments

Some of my kids are different. They don't learn like other kids. or they don't walk like other kids. Or they dont look like other kids. That said, they are all just kids. Since many things in life do not come easy to them, we cherish the moments when they do something that everyone else can do.

This week Sophie has begun to stand on her own. She is quite proud of herself, and we are proud of her! This alone is not significant since most kids learn to stand, and eventually walk. The thing that makes it a moment like no other is the fact that Sophie is nearly 7.  She was born with Arthrogryposis. This means she has contractures in her joints.  Most kids learn to walk at 1, maybe 2, Sophie is just learning now. 

She can be very labor intensive to take care of but after years of doing EVERYTHING for her, this is the first step to her independence. First she stands, then she walks, then she learns to do more and more. She is loking forward to taking herself to see the chickens. I am looking forward to her taking herself to the bathroom. 

She didn't run a marathon. She hasn't tested out of first grade. She hasn't done anything that most other kid's don't do. And yet its incredible that she does it. This is the first step to the rest of her life.