what I know now, would I have lived my life differently? Would I have chosen not to have so many kids? Would I have chosen not to adopt the kids with the most needs?Would we have chosen not to put Sophie through these surgeries and hard recoveries and difficult time apart from the family?
I can't say. I think perhaps if I had only a few kids life would be a lot more simple. THat would mean that I would miss out on the joy that my Ukainians bring me. Yes they act like kids. yes they fuss and fight and require loads of work and attention. But they do bring me joy. I cant imagine life without them. Even removing one from the family would change the dynamics completely. I dont think I could imagine a time without them all.
Would I have chosen not to adopt kids with special needs if I had known how labor intensive they are? Could I wake every day and not know the smiles of my Sophie? Could I live without my Ben's squishy cheeks? Could I imagine life without my Ethan and Andre? Those moments when Ethan says I love you Mama, could I live a life without that? Could I live a life centered around me and my wants and needs? I don't think I could.
Since Sophie's surgeries and recoveries and therapies are ongoing its harder to answer this. I can only hope for the best for her. But to imagine a life without watching her make great strides is very difficult to do. She is a go getter. She likes to go after what she wants. I see her working so hard in therapy and crying and fearful just to get through the hour of effort is so difficult. I question our decisions to put her through it. But I see other kids who have been where she is and are so much better off and I see hope. Thats all anyone can have. No one can say for sure what will happen. will she walk? will it be even more difficult to live a normal life after we changed her? no one knows. but we hope. its what drives us. its what gets us through. we laugh. we cry. we hope.
Since I cant change the past I dont know what my life would have been like if I had made different decisions. Since I cant see the future I dont know what it holds. I can only cling to today and get through it the best I can and hope for the best.