update on Sophie

fixater removal surgery went well. pink cast was applied and fixater was applied to other leg. She has had bad luck with epidurals. they dont work well for her. This time was different. She had an OUTSTANDING anasthesiologist. They were unable to get an iv in and after an hour of trying(under sedation) they were going to have to put in a picc line.) at the last second before I signed authorization for picc line they got a good iv. She came out of surgery comfortable. she has never come out comfortable before. things went well until about noon yesterday(day after surgery) then she started screaming and thrashing about ONE pin site. always just that ONE site that hurt. (She very much likes fentanyl ) they took an xray thinking since her bones are so thin perhaps there was a break from the pin going in. no break. so they started her on some oral meds and changed solution for the epidural. she was again calm this afternoon. Auntie Becky gave her an awesome new electronic gadget that is like an ipad for kids. that kept her entertained and happy for a long time. but suddenly she wanted to put it away. wise girl that she is, gave me the innotek2 and then told me she was going to throw up. While she had been playing the game I got her to eat two bites of chocolate pudding. she said it tasted bad. within a couple minutes of putting the game away she threw up, chocolate pudding and the eggs she had for breakfast. but she was feeling comfortable again. so all in all things are on track, even better than last time. Epidural is supposed to come out tomorrow morning so I am guessing she will go to the floor tomorrow. As long as she has the epidural she is in PICU. I expect she will be discharged around monday or tuesday.

Meanwhile I am staying at Camden Ronald McDonald house. Its lonely here. I dont know anyone. the people I do know who are in town are not staying here. The friend I was looking forward to seeing is no longer coming. Everyone likes to stay at the other house. We cant stay at the other house for various reasons so we will be here all month. Good thing I brought plenty of school work for the kiddo. I am not making her do homework while in the hospital. but when she gets out we will be able to spend a lot of time on it. If she did homebound she would get one hour per day per grade. so she would get one hour a day with teacher. she will have all day with me so we can spend several hours on it as well as seeing many cultural sights and still getting to our doctor appointments.

Thats about all the news from here. Its boring and I think I will go to bed. I did ride 7 miles on the stationary bike tonight. hope to do that again tomorrow sometime.

The Last Time

Today is bittersweet. I am so glad school is in session. The kids have been driving me nuts. Aj especially doesnt know what to do with himself without schedule and structure. Ben just wanders around. Ethan is ornery and I am his target. The girls help in mess making but shun mess cleaning. Chrysta constantly wants to go go go, take me here take me there, I want to drive. Cody never wants to go anywhere and never leaves his room. I have to call multiple times for him to help me. Jaeger just wants to watch tv all day and gets mad when I turn it off. Sophie is bored to death in her chair and if no one wants to push her around she starts asking everyone who walks past if they will "get me this" "get me that" despite the pile of toys in her lap. So Yes I am very happy to send them to school today. But its bittersweet.

It is the last time I will put one of my babies on the bus for the first day of first grade. I will no longer have a baby at home with me during the day(unless someone is sick or recovering). I will no longer have a toddler, preschooler, kindergartener. All my babies are growing up. When they are babies you think, hurry up and grow! Im tired of diapers, tantrums, etc. Then when you least expect it, when you hadn't even noticed those things have been gone for years, you realize, they HAVE grown. They don't need you anymore. They need you, of course, but not like an infant needs a Mama for survival. Not like a toddler needs a Mama for safety. Not like a preschooler needs a Mama for security as they seperate for the first time. Not like a Kindergartener needs a Mama to wave them goodbye on the bus. No, they don't need you like that anymore. They need you to remind them to do their homework. They need you to plan birthday parties. They need you to prepare meals. Occasionally they need you for some hugs and kisses and broken heart mending.

 Their needs change. As a Mama, probably yours haven't.  You need them to be your cuddly baby. You need hugs and kisses. You need to teach them things, and have fun with them.  You need help with chores! But as I put my last full time student on the bus, I see my needs have changed. I need time for me. I need time to put some effort into things I enjoy. I need to have some peace and quiet moments. I need to run out at the drop of a hat without any preparation for sitters or tagalongs. I need to take some time to take care of me. I happily shoved my needs under the rug for years to give my children the all consuming attention they needed. Now they don't need me like that.

So with bittersweet tears, as I wave goodbye to the school bus I wave goodbye to that time of my life. My baby raising days are over. I am now the parent of school aged children.  I am ready to enjoy adult activities with other adults. I am ready to move on. This might be the last time I send off a child for the first day of first grade, but it won't be the last time I cry over the loss of those busy, crazy, funny, diaper filled(pun intended) baby days.