I am sad

It gets tiresome taking care of people who dont trust you. and also those that you cant trust. two of my kids have substantial needs. they need help in a lot of their activities of daily life. They need help with their equipment, bathroom, getting to the table, eating, dressing or undressing, getting in or out of bed, brushing teeth, washing hands, well a lot. the only thing they do independently consistantly is play. and even then they WANT me to do it for them. I have to draw the line somewhere though. so if you want that doll dressed then you have to find a way to do it yourself. anyways, these two are very sweet and loving but it is clear that they dont trust. constant reproach for how you are doing things, constant fear that you will hurt them or drop them(I have never under any circumstances dropped them). they can be demanding and needy. and what do you get in return? complaints, fears, worries. while its sad that they should feel that way it gets a bit wearing on me who does the bulk of their cares. a warm meal that doesnt include getting up 16 times or a nights sleep thats uninterrupted, or a shower that doesnt include crying over nothing, or faking laughter so that it appears you think its funny while its really just an excuse to pull yourself away from my touch.

then you have the ones who cant be trusted. I "planted" a nickel. it wasnt 15 minutes before it was gone. INSIDE a container IN MY BATHROOM. someone knows that I have money there, it isnt a secret anyways. mostly pennies. but I knew someone had been digging in it because every time I put a quarter in it disappears. One child has a history of stealing. So does another. one admitted it but the other returned it. so who did it? I am sad that I cant trust my kids. that they would steal me blind. I am sad that my kids dont trust me when I am their biggest defender and advocate.