adoption

Recently a family that adopted a child from Russia and when things didnt go well they popped him on a plane to Russia. this really enrages me. They vowed to keep him safe! they not only put that child in danger they put all American adoptions in Russia in danger. I dont care what that kid did, at 7 years old it is still their job to keep him safe. If that means turning him over to social services so be it but putting him on a flight to Russia ALONE is not cool at all. I know our experience with Russian adoption was rough. but we hung tough. we took our vow to parent seriously. I still have to tell my little Russian every day that it is my job to keep him safe. how can this child ever trust again? the people who swore to keep him safe sent him to the lions den. And how did this child at 7 years old get on a plane alone and make appropriate transfers? how did he get through security in other airports? I would be very alarmed by a 7 year old traveling alone.

This child was taken away from everything he has ever known, taken to a new country, with new smells, new food, new language that he doesnt speak or understand, new expectations of him. Imagine if someone took you and plopped you down in a Russian family, how long do you think it would take you to adjust? 6 months? a year? years? ever? I imagine life would get easier for you as you learned the langauge. but would you ever completely assimilate? everything and everyone you ever knew is gone. thats a wound thats gonna take some time to heal. Maybe you will try to be bad so they will send you back to where you know how life works. Maybe you will lie cheat steal be aggressive.

Adopted kids go through all those same emotions and questions. You cant expect a newly adopted child to be all hearts and flowers. you have to expect the bad with the good. they are struggling. its a HUGE life change for them. When you give birth you spend 9 months with another life getting to know each other. with adoption you spend at most a few weeks with each other and then they come into your home and life. You cant expect the relationship to feel as if you have given birth. it takes time to build a bond and attachment. when you bring your adopted child home you are virtually strangers! If your husband brought home his brother whome you had never met and said he is moving in! love him! you would struggle, it would take time, but probably with a bit of work, at some point you would come to love him. its the same with an adopted child. it all takes time.

I think that parents are grossly undereducated to adopt. We went into Ethans adoption completely blind. we didnt know the half of what we were getting into. We learned as we went. and we are better prepared now having gone through it with him. We know better what to expect from adopted kids. and how to deal with those things. But when Ethan cried ALL DAY LONG and ALL NIGHT LONG for weeks it was exhausting and I didnt really know what to do for him. I had a newborn as well and though well he is 2 he can act like a two year old. Well he couldnt. it took a long time for him to act like a two year old. probably not until he was 4.

Adoption is a wonderful gift to a child and a family. but it isn't free from work. it doesnt always go as planned. it doesnt always even go well. but if you do your work beforehand you can be prepared. if you do adopt dont give up because the beginning is hard. Adoption is like giving birth in one aspect, you promise to keep that kid safe. please take that seriously. if you need help get it. if things go bad and you cant go on then be responsible and make sure that kid is safe.

Baby Emmett is coming over today. the kids are excited!

Guess what I got to do?

have Eric and Jack over!! Eric's first love, Chrysta, was at a track meet so I was his go to gal. For Eric that means 15 minutes of crying I want my DADA (but dont put me down!) he is 2 and doggone cute. Jack always has something to tell me about. he is 5 I think. They are the kids of Eric's colleague and our friends Maggie and Jay. Maggie is on call tonight and Jay had a meeting and Chrysta is their sitter but had track so that means I get to have the boys! I loooooove me some chubby baby legs! so cute! I would keep him every single day if they let me! I planted a bug about needing a two year old around. Eric just grumbled lol. Seriously I dont know how I could do a two year old with Sophie being my baby. but hey I already have a double stroller and plenty of slings! and cloth diapers! probably not gonna happen but its been fun to have the boys over and play with a little one awhile. They are all settling in with a movie now. Everyone is in their jammies. Eric made me play stinky feet PHEEEEW! before I could put on his pants lol.

personality transplant?

Ethan has been off his medication awhile now. I can't say exactly how long. but for the last two days he has been a different child. Polite, kind, cooperative, easy to get along with, happy go lucky, HELPFUL and generally making my life a whole lot easier!!! If I had known taking him off the strattera would have this affect I would have done it sooner! I usually dread long weekends with him home. He is usually just so hard to get along with. not so this past 4 days! I didnt want to send him back to school! He was loving and sweet. he was helpful without being asked. he played well with his siblings and was empathetic to Sophie's cries. When Sophie ran over her toes on her bike and he couldnt pick her up he came to me but usually these kinds of things push him over the edge. not this time. he was calm and concerned and told me how he tried to help her but just couldnt. I cant even count how many times I said to him Ethan WOW you are doing such a good job today. Usually he is jumping to conclusions, blowing up, arguing with sibs. I dont know if its too good to last but boy I sure could get used to this!

Dotter?

Ben still struggles with boy and girl labels. Daughter and son are interchangable and if he is a good boy why then Sophie is a good boy too. Today when I was frustrated with his inability to do a job he needed to be working on(getting his pants on. he KNOWS how, just chose to do other things) and I was rushing about throwing every one in the care because I had to be somewhere at 11. So I got on him just a little. I said Ben you have had plenty of time to put on your pants. We need to go now! Lets put on your pants. and then I turned them right side out and started getting them on him. he kept asking me I dotter? I dotter? I still dotter Mama? and I didnt have a clue what he was saying because I thought he was asking if he could still play something and I was saying no we have to go. then I got it. and I stopped. I looked him in the eye and said oh! Daughter! no you are my son. Girls are daughters. yes Ben you are my son. still my son. always my son. forever. and he smiled and hugged me and said thank you mama. and gave me a kiss. he is so darn sweet. and so obviously clueless about this Mama thing. I scooped him up and took him to the car and told him I love him and when we came home he could play outside(his favorite thing) he was happy then. poor kid. it makes me so sad that just because he didnt get his pants on he thinks he will be disowned. sent away. back to groupa for you. I love his tender little heart and it breaks mine that his is so uknowing about how love works. children should never have to wonder if they will be tossed on their ear if they mess up. kids DO mess up. its their JOB! and while paretns withdraw their approval they do not withdraw their love. The love for them should be constant and questioning of it unneeded. so sad that so many children dont know that love. Happy that I can be the one to teach them and make a difference in a few of their lives, but in reality my soon to be total of 6 adopted kids is merely a drop in the ocean.

Sophie-isms

Sophie notices S in words. she knows S is for Sophie. but she says ASS when she says S. so in the car she was saying Maia nay have ass! Sophie have ass! Ass for Sophie!

Lonely

its lonely here. I really havent seen anyone socially since uhhhh I cant even remember. must have been last summer. No one calls. no one writes. no one stops in. I could disconnect my phone altogether it rings so infrequently, and when it does its usually st johns wanting us to donate. Maybe its because we adopted. Maybe its because my husband sees many of the townspeople in clinic. Maybe its because I am not a Christian. Maybe its because Im a jerk(but I doubt it!) Maybe its because people dont like my kids. I just dont know.

No one was supportive of our adoption. I guess they probably arent supportive of us adopting again. but it still isnt their life or choice. anyways life here is very boring. and dull. and lonely. its me the kids and the dogs most of the day. then for a few hours at night its me the kids the dogs and Eric. I dont feel like I have any close friends. My kids have no close friends. Eric has no close friends. how have we lived here nigh on 5 years and still I actually KNOW only a handful of people and see even less?

My family is far away. Eric's family is far away. People who we were close to when we left duluth never once visited us since we left there. Family comes approx once a month or every other month, some family less frequently and some not at all. so I have no one, NO ONE to count on here. Last night I was in such pain and I knew I would have to endure because I was not going to the E/R with 4 kids in tow since there is no one to watch them if the big kids are gone. we missed Kinder roundup because sibs werent allowed and we have no one. I dont even have an emergency contact on the kids school forms other than myself and Eric. When I was a kid there were lots of people whose names could have gone there. for my kids there is none.

I cant even count the times someone flaked out on me. the one really and truly good friend that I could count on and KNEW she would be there moved and I dont think I have had another friend like her since. I miss her. She rarely calls anymore. she lives far away and has her own troubles. She couldnt stand the oppression here either. we had each other while she was here. two lost souls. I really miss that kind of friendship.

all this to say, its lonely here. and its a rainy day. and dark and depressing. and I have no one to share it with. I dont know how long I can live here. I dont care how much money we lose, I just dont think I can stay here alone. the kids at school are mean about sophie and bens disabilities. I can only imagine what they would say about the girls if they knew about them.