Lonely

its lonely here. I really havent seen anyone socially since uhhhh I cant even remember. must have been last summer. No one calls. no one writes. no one stops in. I could disconnect my phone altogether it rings so infrequently, and when it does its usually st johns wanting us to donate. Maybe its because we adopted. Maybe its because my husband sees many of the townspeople in clinic. Maybe its because I am not a Christian. Maybe its because Im a jerk(but I doubt it!) Maybe its because people dont like my kids. I just dont know.

No one was supportive of our adoption. I guess they probably arent supportive of us adopting again. but it still isnt their life or choice. anyways life here is very boring. and dull. and lonely. its me the kids and the dogs most of the day. then for a few hours at night its me the kids the dogs and Eric. I dont feel like I have any close friends. My kids have no close friends. Eric has no close friends. how have we lived here nigh on 5 years and still I actually KNOW only a handful of people and see even less?

My family is far away. Eric's family is far away. People who we were close to when we left duluth never once visited us since we left there. Family comes approx once a month or every other month, some family less frequently and some not at all. so I have no one, NO ONE to count on here. Last night I was in such pain and I knew I would have to endure because I was not going to the E/R with 4 kids in tow since there is no one to watch them if the big kids are gone. we missed Kinder roundup because sibs werent allowed and we have no one. I dont even have an emergency contact on the kids school forms other than myself and Eric. When I was a kid there were lots of people whose names could have gone there. for my kids there is none.

I cant even count the times someone flaked out on me. the one really and truly good friend that I could count on and KNEW she would be there moved and I dont think I have had another friend like her since. I miss her. She rarely calls anymore. she lives far away and has her own troubles. She couldnt stand the oppression here either. we had each other while she was here. two lost souls. I really miss that kind of friendship.

all this to say, its lonely here. and its a rainy day. and dark and depressing. and I have no one to share it with. I dont know how long I can live here. I dont care how much money we lose, I just dont think I can stay here alone. the kids at school are mean about sophie and bens disabilities. I can only imagine what they would say about the girls if they knew about them.