life is hard right now

they turned down Sophie;s sedation and she went ballistic. she could not be soothed. she was very upset and clearly in a lot of pain. I feel bad for putting her through this but I know she can walk if her legs were straight. thats what all this is for, so she can walk. she wants that. I want that. I finally left at 3 because if she was awake she was screaming at me or shrieking in general and if she was asleep she was asleep and I was reading my book watching her sleep. once when she was shrieking about pain(I dont make light of her pain, I am sure she has plenty of it) the doctor and nurse were able to calm her a bit but then I stepped in the room and she went all out again. there is a correlation to my being there and her being wild. and the doctor was so kind to point it out to another doctor who steered him out of the room. dont you just love hearing how your presence is the problem? yes he is right but it still hurts. I want to comfort her but she is beyond that. a bit of shushing and head rubbing is not going to make this better. so they turned the meds back up and she has been sleepin away. I am at Erie RMH. feels a little wierd. I feel a little guilty. but not too much. she needs to rest and if I am there she is getting all worked up. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for her. I really want my sweetheart back.  She is NOT herself right now.  As for the leg they didnt get a lot of straightening from the posterior relase. some but not much. and the fixater is completely wrapped in gauze so you can barely see it at this point. she is not a happy camper. She said I wish I didnt choose this leg! (as if the other leg would be so much better) and she also said I dont want to go to philadelphia anymore! it hurts! and she is right of course. so I am going to bed now and just called. she is still sleeping. I will go do the same.