This blog is about our adventures as a large family. We have fourteen kids in our family. Not every one lives at home. Sometimes life is easy and sometimes its weary to the bone hard.
Friday, October 29, 2010
a thief. or rather, a new thief
one of my boys rifled my drawars and helped himself to anything within that he liked. apparently he has gone through other people's rooms too as he had a pocket knife. good thing he got caught with that. he would have been expelled from school if he brought it to school. I am disappointed and hurt and angry that my space has been violated. While one child has a history of this, I now have another child who steals from me. he seemed shameful. hope he learns SOMETHING from it. I want to keep the bedroom locked but their dad doesnt agree. well I guess when they steal HIS stuff maybe he will care. In orphanage settings is everything communal? or are there any things that belong just to this person or that person? Does he not know the difference? he knows now. he has been told. and I am quite certain he knows he did wrong. we found all sorts of things in his bed that dont belong to him. I guess I will pack up my stuff and take it to my moms before its lost forever. I have jewelry from my grandmother I keep in my bathroom. I have things from my childhood, many memories attached to them. I dont think there is a lot of monitary value but I would be very upset for some of it to be lost.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
You asked, "In orphanage settings is everything communal? or are there any things that belong just to this person or that person?"
ReplyDeleteIt depends on the orphanage. Most orphanages -- especially the poorer ones -- do not permit the kids to have personal property because A) they'd need to give them somewhere to store their belongings (some "richer" orphanages allow each child a small cubby/locker where they can store toys and items that they're gifted) and B) the orphanage staff need to play a mediator role because inevitably, you end up with theft, lost items, etc.
It's quite rare to have personal items at a baby house; orphanages for older children are more apt to permit the kids to have personal property.
So it could be that he simply has a hard time grasping the concept of personal property -- understandable if you only ever had communal items, never even owning the clothes on your back! Imagine, right?!
In my experience, I'd say it's **extremely** likely that he's testing his boundaries. It's about the right amount of time in terms of how long he's been home -- he's no longer "new" to the family and he's feeling a bit more comfy, so he's going to test you. Very common. It's a difficult time, but you just need to keep reinforcing the boundaries and the concept of "mine" and "yours."
I would *not* place a lock on his door; in my opinion, that's not going to teach him anything about boundaries. We're trying to teach him where he *can't* go. Placing a lock/alarm on the others' doors would be the better alternative; it emphasizes those boundaries that you're trying to enforce. Each child has an alarm on their room door; they must enter the appropriate code to enter or the alarm sounds. Same goes for your bedroom. You place locks on closets and cabinets that contain items that are valuable, sentimental, etc.
You have to remember that kids who live in an institutional setting almost *always* have deficits in terms of their ability to think in abstract terms. Concepts of "yours," "mine," and boundaries are abstract. So you need to make the boundaries physical for a period of time -- place colored tape on bedroom thresholds (if it's not your color, you can't cross unless the bedroom's resident is accompanying you); use alarms on bedrooms; use locks on cabinets and closets (Unless the child is a threat to others' safety, I *don't* recommend locking bedrooms due to the fire hazard. Moments count in a house fire and that could mean the difference between life and death. And god forbid a fire starts in one of the bedrooms while the kids are locked inside -- you don't want that on your shoulders.)
The locks and alarms and tape and whatever other measures you implement don't need to be permanent. It's just a teaching tool.
Anyways, that's all I got. ;-)
I hope everything works out well!
-Truewell
You asked, "In orphanage settings is everything communal? or are there any things that belong just to this person or that person?"
ReplyDeleteIt depends on the orphanage. Most orphanages -- especially the poorer ones -- do not permit the kids to have personal property because A) they'd need to give them somewhere to store their belongings (some "richer" orphanages allow each child a small cubby/locker where they can store toys and items that they're gifted) and B) the orphanage staff need to play a mediator role because inevitably, you end up with theft, lost items, etc.
It's quite rare to have personal items at a baby house; orphanages for older children are more apt to permit the kids to have personal property.
So it could be that he simply has a hard time grasping the concept of personal property -- understandable if you only ever had communal items, never even owning the clothes on your back! Imagine, right?!
In my experience, I'd say it's **extremely** likely that he's testing his boundaries. It's about the right amount of time in terms of how long he's been home -- he's no longer "new" to the family and he's feeling a bit more comfy, so he's going to test you. Very common. It's a difficult time, but you just need to keep reinforcing the boundaries and the concept of "mine" and "yours."
I would *not* place a lock on his door; in my opinion, that's not going to teach him anything about boundaries. We're trying to teach him where he *can't* go. Placing a lock/alarm on the others' doors would be the better alternative; it emphasizes those boundaries that you're trying to enforce. Each child has an alarm on their room door; they must enter the appropriate code to enter or the alarm sounds. Same goes for your bedroom. You place locks on closets and cabinets that contain items that are valuable, sentimental, etc.
You have to remember that kids who live in an institutional setting almost *always* have deficits in terms of their ability to think in abstract terms. Concepts of "yours," "mine," and boundaries are abstract. So you need to make the boundaries physical for a period of time -- place colored tape on bedroom thresholds (if it's not your color, you can't cross unless the bedroom's resident is accompanying you); use alarms on bedrooms; use locks on cabinets and closets (Unless the child is a threat to others' safety, I *don't* recommend locking bedrooms due to the fire hazard. Moments count in a house fire and that could mean the difference between life and death. And god forbid a fire starts in one of the bedrooms while the kids are locked inside -- you don't want that on your shoulders.)
The locks and alarms and tape and whatever other measures you implement don't need to be permanent. It's just a teaching tool.
Anyways, that's all I got. ;-)
I hope everything works out well!
-Truewell
I had another thought...
ReplyDeletePerhaps it would be worth looking into something like tethering (I'm not sure if that's what the practice is formally called; I've never actually tried it -- only read about it. "Tethering" is the term for a similar practice that's performed in dog training; I *have* used that method with dogs and it worked wonderfully!)
Dog training parallel aside, the practice involves literally tethering the child to your side 24/7. I believe it's practiced by parents who use "attachment parenting" methods (or maybe I'm mistaken; perhaps I'm thinking of that due to the literal attachment that occurs.)
As I understand it, the practice is intended to mimic the toddler phase, when the child receives constant feedback (positive and negative) from the parent, thereby learning many of the "basics" of life -- boundaries, right/wrong, and many "common sense" basics that institutionalized kids lack. I've heard of many adoptive parents have used this method with much success, particularly with children who have lived in an institutional setting.
I'm thinking that perhaps this would be an instance where this could be helpful? Just a thought; it's certainly something worth investigating! As I mentioned, I've never used this method myself. I did use a similar method while rehabilitating traumatized/abused dogs who came from the pet equivalent of an institutional setting (puppy mills) and the process was very quick -- they'd learn the basics of behavior and housebreaking within 1-2 weeks (sometimes quicker!) It promoted bonding, especially in animals who were very standoff-ish at first, and the dogs learned all the basics of proper behavior very quickly because I was there to provide positive/negative feedback for each and every action.
I imagine you get the same benefits when performing tethering with your child, plus they are provided with an opportunity to observe (and if necessary, explain) your every move and many kids learn well by example.
I wish I had more (non-dog related!) info to provide on this practice, but as I mentioned, I've never actually had to resort to this. I've only heard of other parents seeing great success with this method. Perhaps it's worth getting more info from fellow adoptive parents who practice attachment parenting, as I believe this is a fairly common practice among parents who follow that philosophy. The best person to ask may be Christine Gonzales -- she's incredibly knowledgeable in this area and she's just wonderful. Always willing to share her experiences and thoughts. Her blog ( http://www.welcometomybrain.net/ ) discusses a wide array of issues relating to adoption parenting. You can contact her via her blog, I believe.
Anyways, just something to consider, I suppose!
-Truewell
thanks. I didnt mean lock the children's rooms I meant lock MY room when it isnt inhabited by me. and this also means my bathroom is off limits when not inhabited by me. the boys have an alarm on their door at night. the door opens freely but the alarm sounds. he doesnt have any problem staying in his room at night. its just other times when unattended and I am busy with other things that he is getting into things, rifling rooms and drawars. I like the colored tape idea. red tape would be a clear message that it is off limits. he is struggling to learn English. the others are miles ahead in that dept. so he gets a bit of bullying at school because they think he cant tell. but his sibs tell and I call there nearly every day. yes I see some orphanage behaviors like whacking Andre and giving him a bloody nose and then being surprised when he is in trouble for it. I agree with the testing. he is the oldest of the younger set(I have teenagers) at almost 9 so I guess some of this is that age and some is that age combined with orphanage and testing. I have been working really hard to not nag but go straight to 1 2 3. today he got some special things from the school carnival and I marked them with a marker and put them in his bed(where he hides things) and told them those were his. maybe a chance for a lesson. this is mine and I dont have to share it. I have 10 kids and I dont know that tomato staking or tethering would be very easy. I have decided though that his activities need to be severely curtailed. no going across the street*he always brings home something he took from there anyways* and no hiding in his room for more than a couple minutes, you have to build relationships and to do that you have to be in the same room! no more tv/computer(which is he screen free for stealing anyways) thanks again for your well thought out advice. Its been a long time since I had a 9 year old boy(my boy older son is 16!) so some of this may just be me relearning that lol.
ReplyDelete