A hard day. again.

Today we went to the pyschologist who tested one of our kids. He saw Anxiety, depression, but not as much depression as anxiety, and adhd(which we already knew)scored high in aggression also. His diagnosis is anxiety disorder and adhd and possibly a learning disability, but will have to have school look at that. We already knew he had anxiety and depression and adhd. I dont feel like I learned anything new. That is why I went there, to learn something new to get the tools to parent this boy. I tried to stay sanguin about it but I ended up speaking my mind. probably a good thing, but I dont really feel that much better. I dont feel like this answers the questions I went there with. So do some one on one couseling, and family counseling with Eric and I the boy. I feel like I am spinning my wheels in getting help for him. and for us. I should probably go in with high hopes but I dont have them. This weekend he had a sleepover, his first really. he came home and kicked a hole in the sheetrock because his brothers and sisters were asking him questions about his sleepover. He just BLOWS UP! Im not understanding. I said that I am out of tools and I just plain dont know what to do with him anymore. If I agree he blows up, if I disagree he blows up. if I correct him gently he blows up, if I yell at him he blows up. if I try to explain why something is wrong he blows up. No mention of anything attachment related. No autism, despite hand flapping. It just isnt making sense to me. It is like one more punch in the stomach saying, yeah you are the problem, he is fine. I've heard it for years. I heard with my oldest son who now can barely leave his bedroom because of his anxiety. When you have seen your manchild in such a state he can barely get off the bed and been told since he was 6 years old there was nothing wrong, you start to question the system. I am trying to keep afloat and keep him from going under and I have no tools to do it. No more than I had this morning before I went to that appointment.

I am hosting a giveaway for Alicia on reecesrainbow.org you can find the giveaway on that page, allforalicia.blogspot.com

Planning a giveaway for Alicia

I am planning a giveaway to raise funds for Alicia's grant. The more we can raise the better her chance someone will choose her to be their daughter. If you have anything you want to donate as a prize email me at katieostar at yahoo. or comment here and leave your email address and I will contact you. Dont take this to mean I am not doing my part. I donate every chance I get. I cant do this alone though. It takes a village to raise a child, it takes a lot more than that to raise funds for a child's grant.  Any donation of prizes, any size, will be greatly helpful.

date night!

Eric and I are going out to dinner and a movie. I will be feeding no one but myself. I will cut no ones food. I will take no one to the potty. I will explain no movies to children. I will enjoy my husband and dinner and conversation that is uninterrupted by children shouting "PAPA! PAPA!" It is my Christmas  present and right now there is nothing I can think of I would rather have. When Eric is home it is all but impossible to have a conversation with each other at all, forget about talking something important. As a mom, your dinner is rarely hot and rarely served first.  I don't have a lot of adult interactions outside of school appointments, doctor appointments, and therapy appointments. A night out with my husband without children is JUST what I wanted for Christmas. in fact he asked me what I wanted and I told him about a movie I wanted to see. I havent been to the theater in more than ten years. and we rarely get to go out to dinner together. so getting both in one night is a VERY nice gift. I am really looking forward to it. Since I spend all my time with kids, dogs, and chickens I am sure they will be topics of conversation. but at least we can see each other and hear each other and speak without interruption!

Christmas Memories

When I was a child I loved Christmas. I still do. I love it for different reasons now. When I was young my dad was disabled and mom worked. Many years dad and I would put up the tree and decorate it. I have so many memories of decorating with dad. Mom would come home from work and find it all decorated.  I remember waking late at night and lieing on the floor looking up at the lights. I loved to watch them twinkle in the dark and dream of the presents I would find under the tree.

On Christmas eve I would sneak down after everyone was asleep to see the presents left under the tree. I would peek at the tags and see what was for me. the wonder of it and the excitement were nearly more than I could bear! I would go back to bed and try to sleep. I would always always be up bright and early. Well before my brother and dad. Mom was always up having her coffee. Sometimes she would let me open one present and play with it while I waited. It seemed to take forever for the otehrs to wake up!  I have such good memories of those early Christmases. I can remember the taste of the candies in my stocking. Even when times were lean there were always presents under the tree. How they got there, I dont know. Some of my favorite gifts I saved for many years and passed on to my own children. My special auntie would make me doll clothes and barbie clothes. I see my kids playing with those and remember how I felt receiving them and playing with them for years. My special auntie has been gone from this world for several years. But Christmas always brings her to mind. I miss the way she used to play with me.

Christmas eve was always spent at Gramma Peg's house. I saw Missy that night. I didnt see Missy all year and I looked forward to seeing her Christmas eve.  It was always a late night and I often fell asleep on the couch. Not a Christmas eve goes by without my wishing she was still here to celebrate with us. I miss her smile. and laughter.

Christmas day was always spent at Grandma and Grandpa's.  I would see cousins and aunties and uncles. Many long gone now, either off in their own lives or gone from this world, we no longer get together every year. 

Christmas with ten kids has to be different than my own growing up Christmases. I was one of two kids.  Even though I had tons of gifts, the thing I remember most is family. This Christmas we are focusing on family. we will not have hundreds of dollars of gifts under the tree.  We have no need for anything. We have each other. All the kids will be home for Christmas. My parents and brother will be here for Christmas day dinner. We will spend a quiet day together, having fun, enjoying each other, making memories.  I look forward to many years of making memories with our kids. when you grow up, you realize that it wasnt the presents that made Christmas special. It was the people.

When I see you smile.

Smiles are free. they are what every mother looks forward to. and yet hundres of thousands of kids in other countries have no reason to smile. they have nothing and no one to call their own. Lets help them get their hearts desire, and fundraise to find them families! Money is often all that stands between a child and a family wanting to adopt them. My friend Julia is doing a giveaway at her blog. Go check out. Help a child. We can't stand by and do nothing. http://covenantbuilders.blogspot.com/2012/12/please-see-past-his-picture.html?spref=fb