it has come to my attention

That everyone is in agreement that all of my oldest kids problems are my fault because we adopted"those other kids. ". I'm hurt and disappointed. Chrysta has gone to live at her dads. She is apparently embarrassed by her siblings. Wow. Never saw that coming but parents do not need permission from children to make life decisions. Although we DID ask their input about adopting. If I had given birth to them I wonder if everyone would feel the same.  My adopted kids have problems. We all have problems. Noone has a perfect life. One of chrysta's problem is refusing to be a participatory member of our family. I don't think that happened because we have other kids.  she was never an easy child. Maybe as infant. Started lieing at 4 and never stopped.  I'm sad and hurt that she chose to leave to live with her on again off again dad but I hope she finds happiness in her solitude. And I hope her dad who has never been a full time parent knows what a wild ride he is in for. I fully believe she will lie to him.  she will rage when she doesn't get her way.  I only hope she doesn't become pregnant.  I don't believe her issues come from a large family. Its genetic. And I really truly hope they are happy living together.

If I knew then....

what I know now, would I have lived my life differently?  Would I have chosen not to have so many kids? Would I have chosen not to adopt the kids with the most needs?Would we have chosen not to put Sophie through these surgeries and hard recoveries and difficult time apart from the family?  

I can't say. I think perhaps if I had only a few kids life would be a lot more simple. THat would mean that I would miss out on the joy that my Ukainians bring me. Yes they act like kids. yes they fuss and fight and require loads of work and attention. But they do bring me joy. I cant imagine life without them. Even removing one from the family would change the dynamics completely. I dont think I could imagine a time without them all. 

Would I have chosen not to adopt kids with special needs if I had known how labor intensive they are? Could I wake every day and not know the smiles of my Sophie? Could I live without my Ben's squishy cheeks?  Could I imagine life without my Ethan and Andre?  Those moments when Ethan says I love you Mama, could I live a life without that?  Could I live a life centered around me and my wants and needs?  I don't think I could. 

Since Sophie's surgeries and recoveries and therapies are ongoing its harder to answer this. I can only hope for the best for her. But to imagine a life without watching her make great strides is very difficult to do. She is a go getter. She likes to go after what she wants.  I see her working so hard in therapy and crying and fearful just to get through the hour of effort is so difficult. I question our decisions to put her through it. But I see other kids who have been where she is and are so much better off and I see hope. Thats all anyone can have. No one can say for sure what will happen. will she walk? will it be even more difficult to live a normal life after we changed her? no one knows. but we hope. its what drives us. its what gets us through. we laugh. we cry. we hope.

Since I cant change the past I dont know what my life would have been like if I had made different decisions. Since I cant see the future I dont know what it holds.  I can only cling to today and get through it the best I can and hope for the best.

not really happy today. rant ahead, feel free to move along

dyed my hair. I dont think I like it. still stuck far from home. the management here is crazy. the food is not always great and sometimes doesnt show at all.  I dont sleep. I sent post cards and letters home and not one of my family sent any back. really feeling the love. NOT. many things I cant say here but stuff is on my mind. I wish I could take a nap. but that aint happening. Sophie is entertaining the local girl scout troop.  therapy dog friends come tomorrow. monday doctor again. thinking about if I should switch my flight. but its more $$ to switch and I need to have time to send home some stuff. Accumulated too much here and cant fit it all in bags to take it home. maybe I should just rent a car and start driving and hope I end up where I am supposed to be. but I probably wont.

Defining Moments

Some of my kids are different. They don't learn like other kids. or they don't walk like other kids. Or they dont look like other kids. That said, they are all just kids. Since many things in life do not come easy to them, we cherish the moments when they do something that everyone else can do.

This week Sophie has begun to stand on her own. She is quite proud of herself, and we are proud of her! This alone is not significant since most kids learn to stand, and eventually walk. The thing that makes it a moment like no other is the fact that Sophie is nearly 7.  She was born with Arthrogryposis. This means she has contractures in her joints.  Most kids learn to walk at 1, maybe 2, Sophie is just learning now. 

She can be very labor intensive to take care of but after years of doing EVERYTHING for her, this is the first step to her independence. First she stands, then she walks, then she learns to do more and more. She is loking forward to taking herself to see the chickens. I am looking forward to her taking herself to the bathroom. 

She didn't run a marathon. She hasn't tested out of first grade. She hasn't done anything that most other kid's don't do. And yet its incredible that she does it. This is the first step to the rest of her life.

update on Sophie

fixater removal surgery went well. pink cast was applied and fixater was applied to other leg. She has had bad luck with epidurals. they dont work well for her. This time was different. She had an OUTSTANDING anasthesiologist. They were unable to get an iv in and after an hour of trying(under sedation) they were going to have to put in a picc line.) at the last second before I signed authorization for picc line they got a good iv. She came out of surgery comfortable. she has never come out comfortable before. things went well until about noon yesterday(day after surgery) then she started screaming and thrashing about ONE pin site. always just that ONE site that hurt. (She very much likes fentanyl ) they took an xray thinking since her bones are so thin perhaps there was a break from the pin going in. no break. so they started her on some oral meds and changed solution for the epidural. she was again calm this afternoon. Auntie Becky gave her an awesome new electronic gadget that is like an ipad for kids. that kept her entertained and happy for a long time. but suddenly she wanted to put it away. wise girl that she is, gave me the innotek2 and then told me she was going to throw up. While she had been playing the game I got her to eat two bites of chocolate pudding. she said it tasted bad. within a couple minutes of putting the game away she threw up, chocolate pudding and the eggs she had for breakfast. but she was feeling comfortable again. so all in all things are on track, even better than last time. Epidural is supposed to come out tomorrow morning so I am guessing she will go to the floor tomorrow. As long as she has the epidural she is in PICU. I expect she will be discharged around monday or tuesday.

Meanwhile I am staying at Camden Ronald McDonald house. Its lonely here. I dont know anyone. the people I do know who are in town are not staying here. The friend I was looking forward to seeing is no longer coming. Everyone likes to stay at the other house. We cant stay at the other house for various reasons so we will be here all month. Good thing I brought plenty of school work for the kiddo. I am not making her do homework while in the hospital. but when she gets out we will be able to spend a lot of time on it. If she did homebound she would get one hour per day per grade. so she would get one hour a day with teacher. she will have all day with me so we can spend several hours on it as well as seeing many cultural sights and still getting to our doctor appointments.

Thats about all the news from here. Its boring and I think I will go to bed. I did ride 7 miles on the stationary bike tonight. hope to do that again tomorrow sometime.

The Last Time

Today is bittersweet. I am so glad school is in session. The kids have been driving me nuts. Aj especially doesnt know what to do with himself without schedule and structure. Ben just wanders around. Ethan is ornery and I am his target. The girls help in mess making but shun mess cleaning. Chrysta constantly wants to go go go, take me here take me there, I want to drive. Cody never wants to go anywhere and never leaves his room. I have to call multiple times for him to help me. Jaeger just wants to watch tv all day and gets mad when I turn it off. Sophie is bored to death in her chair and if no one wants to push her around she starts asking everyone who walks past if they will "get me this" "get me that" despite the pile of toys in her lap. So Yes I am very happy to send them to school today. But its bittersweet.

It is the last time I will put one of my babies on the bus for the first day of first grade. I will no longer have a baby at home with me during the day(unless someone is sick or recovering). I will no longer have a toddler, preschooler, kindergartener. All my babies are growing up. When they are babies you think, hurry up and grow! Im tired of diapers, tantrums, etc. Then when you least expect it, when you hadn't even noticed those things have been gone for years, you realize, they HAVE grown. They don't need you anymore. They need you, of course, but not like an infant needs a Mama for survival. Not like a toddler needs a Mama for safety. Not like a preschooler needs a Mama for security as they seperate for the first time. Not like a Kindergartener needs a Mama to wave them goodbye on the bus. No, they don't need you like that anymore. They need you to remind them to do their homework. They need you to plan birthday parties. They need you to prepare meals. Occasionally they need you for some hugs and kisses and broken heart mending.

 Their needs change. As a Mama, probably yours haven't.  You need them to be your cuddly baby. You need hugs and kisses. You need to teach them things, and have fun with them.  You need help with chores! But as I put my last full time student on the bus, I see my needs have changed. I need time for me. I need time to put some effort into things I enjoy. I need to have some peace and quiet moments. I need to run out at the drop of a hat without any preparation for sitters or tagalongs. I need to take some time to take care of me. I happily shoved my needs under the rug for years to give my children the all consuming attention they needed. Now they don't need me like that.

So with bittersweet tears, as I wave goodbye to the school bus I wave goodbye to that time of my life. My baby raising days are over. I am now the parent of school aged children.  I am ready to enjoy adult activities with other adults. I am ready to move on. This might be the last time I send off a child for the first day of first grade, but it won't be the last time I cry over the loss of those busy, crazy, funny, diaper filled(pun intended) baby days.

back to school

its been a busy summer of music in the park, bike riding, gardening, raising chickens, spirit valley days, camp fires, eating on the deck.  We love our deck, we eat out there nearly every night, unless its raining. the garden is full of yummy stuff but since it got a late start and the weather was not cooperative some things are puny and probably wont amount to much. next year though since the garden is all cleared, and fenced it should be easier to get it in early and grow grow grow! We also started clearing in the back yard for the hot tub and pool. of course we dont have a pool but we want one! We already have the hot tub just need to get it installed. The back yard was completely wild and grown over. It is now halfway cleared. We are not planning to clear cut the entire yard. just enough to put in a simple hoophouse over the hot tub and the pool we do not have. lol. and have a little green space left over. maybe some flowers and sod.

We also got a surprise this week. While we hadnt planned on another dog until next year some time we got a call about a 4 month old lab mix who is already spayed, had all her shots, is potty trained and just needed a home. so Now Java the little black puppy has joined Mocha at home.  Mocha has been less than impressed with the interloper who is a little bit of a pip. She is in mocha's face and barks at her and really just wants to play with her but mocha is a crabby old lady of four and does not much want to play with her. In fact she has attacked her again and again. but I am seeing progress. Little Java is so funny. but puppies need a lot of exercise and the kids are doing a great job of that but what am I gonna do when the kids go back to school? that means I have to play puppy all day!!! she likes to walk on the driveway though so we can do a lot of that.

We are almost ready to put the chickens in the freezer.
I will be happy when that job is done. I am the chicken feeder. and often the waterer also. the one breed is dumb and stink. they dont scratch. they dont eat bugs. they just eat and poop. as you can imagine about 50 of those start to stink. and they dont seem to get that they are supposed to move when we move the chicken cages. they just stand there. The brahmas are much smarter and cleaner. they dont stink. they love when we give them grass. the white ones dont know what to do with grass except poop on it.

the kids are anxious to go back to school. Maia and Andre got the same teacher Natasha Jaeger and Ethan had last year. she is a very kind teacher who at the same time doesnt put up with any nonsense. and I love the way she teaches. she will be a great teacher for them. Sophie got the teacher that Maia and Diana had last year. we were hoping for that as she is outstanding also. the others got teachers we dont know. but I have no doubt they are great.

September 17th  Sophie and I will return to Philadelphia for her fixater removal surgery. She will also get a new one on the other leg that day.  Hoping for a nice day on the 18th so we can go to the Philly zoo. I try to build in a day between travel and surgery for something fun. Last time we went to please touch museum, and before that we went to all the historical stuff.  This time I am thinking the weather should be just right for the zoo.  I am not looking forward to being away from home that long again and especially during school.  but the bonus is we will not have to add two days of travel to drive to the twin cities to fly. we were able to get flights from our hometown this time.

we are disappointed that summer is coming to a close and yet excited and looking forward to a new school year and fall.  we have put up some pickles and some jam.  they will be good in the cold winter when we roast a nice chicken.